Nights like these

It’s nights like these were I actually miss being with him. It’s sounds crazy to say when actually when I lived their it was a living nightmare. Glimpse into what I’m talking about..

There was many nights of being woken up because my phone was making noise and he didn’t want to snoop or whatever he used to call it, so he would wake me up by yelling, hitting me, having the lights on. It was like living with the devil. After every fight he would hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok, when in reality I signed that paper myself.

Don’t get me wrong we had our nice moments. We used to cook, listen to music, watch shows and laugh together; but that was about it. We had nice huge parties and he wanted to dress up and look fancy. I felt so out of place and all by myself. I lost myself those almost 5 years.

I lived 4/5 years thinking and wondering when the day would be when all of it would end. It was all a matter of time. The fights got worse, the periods where he said it was all gonna change grew shorter and shorter. Would never have guessed I would have made it without my kids..

I used to think everyday if I made the right decision? How could I have left them? Is it too late to go back? It was too late when I thought of those things. I had build this guard in my head the moment I drove off crying. I remember that day like it was yesterday. The girls so scared. I scarred them. But when I left that day I went to another girl little that was hurting. I saw the look on that girl’s face and something wasn’t right. I knew I had to finish what I started.

I feel so selfish about how I left but at the same time my other child I have left behind was suffering too. I had to make a decision.. I have decided to give my ex space with the girls. I knew they had there father, but I also knew all the crap he was putting me through that eventually I was going to be able to have a say in that. I would be able to have my girls when I got my things together. Haven’t yet but I’m working and now I want to work even harder. It’s about my kids only! No one else matters.